Day 46: The In Laws

It's true that when you marry someone you also inherit a family. Overnight, all of their history and drama, photographs and tales of survival become yours.

For us, my family has been incredible. I suppose any wife might say this of her own side of the tree, but it's as though Rich has slipped seemlessly into the fabric that is the DeGeorges. This is partially due to the welcoming nature of my parents and my father's ability to recognize a kindred spirit and extend himself graciously. It's also due to the fact that Rich is a country boy at heart who found himself at home on their twenty acres of woods, beside a warm wood stove. I knew he would fit and I remember being so proud to have this family to offer him. Sometimes In Laws really sweeten the deal.

And sometimes they don't. I once heard someone wise say that a wife should never speak ill of her husband's mother. They said that husbands will always choose their mother over their wife, in an argument. I don't think there's much truth in this, but I remember it often when I'm speaking of my own in-laws. Rich's father died eighteen years ago, but his mother is very much alive. She calls often, leaving angry voicemails in a coughing voice laced with emphesyma. She wants to know why he's not moving home to take care of her. She wants to tell us she's on disability again, she's taken another employer to court to pay for another banged elbow. And she's going dancing on Saturday at the Fifties Club where the rum and coke's come easy. She says "kidsss, why don't yous cawl me back," her native New York and misguided plurals seeping through the phone lines, and I'm embarrased. What's worse, I know other things. I know about his unfortunate childhood. When backhanding a child was ok and a dark closet was suitable for timeout.

I want to love his family as I love him. I keep looking for a good piece to grab onto, something sturdy. But it's like I'm reaching toward rotted wood and the trunk of his family tree mushes in my hands. I know every tree is worth saving, but this one I don't want to touch.

How do you forgive the people who hurt your most beloved? How do you love them and make them your family when they are so different from your own?