Day 33: Protein Powder

My husband drinks protein shakes and it's making me crazy. This topic was supposed to be off limits, it's a sensitive subject between us, but if I'm learning anything in these 100 days, it's that you say the things that are important while they are important. While you aren't afraid to say them.

Shortly after we were diagnosed as infertile, Rich became interested in protein powders and metabolism boosting products. I didn't think much of it, but eight months later he is spending every weekly allowance on expensive protein supplements. Sometimes he wakes up early and goes online, looking for better products. There's a tub on my kitchen counter of citrus flavored protein made from the dehydrated meat of animals and I don't understand why anyone would want to consume that, let alone pay for it over and over again.

I asked him to stop, I said I was afraid he would get tumors or cancers or a beat-up liver. And he agreed, like he usually does, and then I see him poking through an online all-organic supply that he says could never hurt his health, and we're back to where we started.

I'm trying to get to get to the root of this obsession. Rich's doctor said his testoterone was low. Saying that to my husband is like telling him he's less of a man. All of the sudden he believes that he's not as strong as the guy next to him. His muscles need to be bigger. He needs to trim more fat, get more definition. And then there's the idea that more testosterone will lead to a higher sperm count and the possibility of a child. So now I don't know whether he is popping protein and pumping iron in order to give us a child, or in order to grow bigger muscles. And either way it's making me crazy. I yelled at him today. I told him he was like an immature high school student who thinks that if he buys enough products he'll eventually get the homecoming queen to notice him. I told him he needed to grow up and act like the 32 year old that he is. His only reaction was to flex his biceps in a very goofy manner, but I know I hurt his feelings.

Rich already has his girl, so I don't understand the motivation. And I'm embarrassed to classify my husband as a meat-head wannabe who hits the gym everyday and grunts out loud when he pumps iron. I don't know how to love this version of my husband. And I will admit that I wish I could destroy this fascination of his, like I did all his oversized t-shirts and baggy jeans shortly after we married.

He says that it's about seeing results quicker. About speeding up the process of building muscle. It seems to me whether it's a body or a marriage, that building muscle is not a process that can be quickened. We gain strength as the months turn to years and the years to decades. And it's hard work. It's hours at the gym and hours side by side learning what it means to take and release. I just don't know if this is something I can let go.