Day 43: Yes, dear

The older man smiled at us and said, "In all my years of marriage, I've discovered the secret to success in two small words; yes, dear." I was waiting for what would turn out to be a disappointing glass of sauvignon blanc. The bartender continued to speak as he perused through the bottles before him. He went on; "in fact, there was a study some years back, and it showed that 80 percent of marriages are successful when the man just says yes, dear. That's all it takes."
I took the glass of white and smiled, saying "I suppose that depends on your definition of successful."
"Where both partners are happy," he concluded, then tossed his Santa tie over one shoulder and popped the top on Rich's Amstel.

So I thought I would try this yes, dear mentality and it lasted all the way through one grocery shopping expedition. But as my carnivorous husband piled on pounds of protein- all natural cage-free chicken, pork loin, fresh ground sausage, and steak tips, my yes, dear turned threatening and I pushed the cart a little too hard, fighting not to use my grocery-store veto powers. Instead I picked out generic brand everything else and (mostly) let it go.

A yes, dear mentality might make a marriage simple, but it doesn't make it stronger.

Most of the muscle in our marriage has been forged from our fights. Early on he would avoid all conflict and I would go looking for it. I remember standing in the kitchen of our first apartment throwing anything I could find at him; dish towels, a pizza box, an empty ketchup bottle. I wanted a reaction. You see, there's nothing more aggravating than trying to wrestle a statue.

The first time he yelled back at me, I threw my arms him gushing, "I'm so proud of you!" He wasn't proud, he was livid and we proceeded to argue about why we couldn't save money or why he had to drive Boston-style all the time or why I didn't know by now that you can't flush a clogged toilet twice without waiting for the water to refill. And how it's not ok to use his clothes to sop up the mess.

Maybe for some people it's enough to just keep the peace. Maybe a successful marriage is a quiet one. Not for us. For Rich and me, this marriage is not about being successful or surviving. It's about growth. It's about pushing each other to be bolder, to be kinder, to forgive. And so we'll never be a yes, dear couple. But we'll always be a couple, and we'll always speak the truth.