I don't know why I can't talk to Rich about our infertility. No, that's not true. I do know why, I'm just nervous about writing it out loud. I'm afraid my husband isn't that strong. What kind of wife thinks her husband is weak? But it's true. When it comes to things like this; things that society says determines whether a guy is really a man, Rich is sensitive. The ability to produce babies is definitely one of those things. So I can't look in my husband's face and explain to him that my heart is broken with dissapointment. Because I don't know if he can stand up straight after that kind of blow. And so I don't say anything at all.
Today we went to church. We sat in the back pew and listened to the Pastor speak about broken people. Near the end of the service, he was talking about different kinds of brokenness. He said, "to the couple who cannot have children, they need to let it go and use it as a way to have compassion on others who cannot have children." I started crying, big sloppy tears and in my heart I was angry. I thought; no way in hell am I going to let go of this. I am holding onto this and I am fighting for this. If I let this go, it's like giving up.
But in my spirit, I know that this Pastor, who I've never met, is right. I mean, everyday I see people who are holding on to brokenness. They clutch onto their addictions and their hurt and all the bad things that have ever happened to them, forging some kind of bitter identity from it all. I don't want to be this kind of person. I don't want to hold this infertility as a badge that I cling to. But I'm not ready to move on, either. I don't want to talk about what our options are, I want to rewind back to the day when 14 year old Rich Maynard started smoking pot and I want to shake him really hard and tell him what happens in 15 years.
The service ended and we left. Rich noticed my eyes were puffy and asked if I'd been crying. Seriously? We were sitting side by side, listening to the same words, and not only is he unmoved, but he doesn't understand why I am upset.
And so I pull into myself and become embarrassed. I say, "no, I'm just tired and my eyes are itchy, I need to take out my contacts when we get home." Because I can't say the truth; that I'm dissapointed. That maybe the love we have between us isn't enough. How do you say that without crushing someone, even as you feel yourself pulling apart?
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This is a really good post. Not to go in to much but I think every marriage goes through this. HMMM I could say so much from my own personal experience here. My Past and Present....but you put wrote it beautifully.
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