Day 88: Doubts and Questions

We promised alot of things. We promised back rubs.  We promised to spend less money on clothes.   But we never promised easy days. We never promised that we would feel like waltzing through sunsets. The promise was that we would be there.  We wouldn't bail.

I thought that by now things would go easy.  As if 100 days of intentional loving would set us up for five decades of romance.  If I've learned anything, it's that the working doesn't end.  And I'm hanging onto these 100 days, dragging out the last ten entries because I'm afraid that when it's over, it's over.  What if I didn't learn anything?  What if I don't know how to be a better wife?  What if I end up at the place where we started?

It's not about just coexisting, I want to be spectactular.  I want this brilliant flawless partnership, like the paddling of a kayak or the flying v of migrating birds. What if there isn't anything great about us? 

I can't stand hiking anymore, you already know that by now.  But I realized today that I don't like to hike because it's so much work.  Too much.  And the view at the top may be incredible, but all that sweat just isn't worth it to me.   What if it's the same way with my marriage?  What if one day I realize that the work doesn't pay off.  And I won't have children as evidence of this partnership of ours.  So if it all gets to be too much, what will stop me from giving up?  I don't want to give up, I want to know how to keep love alive.  And I'm afraid that if I don't learn something huge in the next ten days, I'll sign off the same as I always have been. Selfish.  Single-minded.  Unwilling to wash dishes.

We haven't seen each all week.  He leaves for work at 5 am and we're both crashed before primetime even starts.  And in the few moments we're together, we're going over houses to look at and bills to pay and how much can we put in saving this week and it all feels like a business.  I'm aware of how whiny I sound, but like a kid who can't stop complaining these fears and bits of anxiety bubble out, even as I tell myself to stop it this instant.  100 Days of Love and the work doesn't end.  I guess the good news is that the love doesn't end either.