It's cold in our house. The wind outside is whistling a thousand sailor tunes of stormy days at sea and the drafts move through the window cracks and slide under the doors. I'm freezing, but the coldest part by far is the black hole that has taken over where my heart used to be. Day 83 and I thought we'd be past these distant days. Days when there's not much to feel, and I'm no good at faking. Last night I slept with my knees curled up against his chest in what I realize now is a completely defensive position. And I threatened to punch him when he accidentally yanked the covers off me. A serious do that again and see what happens kind of threaten. He chuckled nervously, but this is not who I want to be.
Lately it seems like so many of our sentences start with "remember when..." Or "I can't wait until." Little clauses that indicate how much we're into the past and the future, completely ignoring today. Like we're trying to just make it through the moment in order to get to a better tomorrow. That's no way to live and it's certainly no way to build a marriage.
And so I turn to him and physically force my own knees down. And without feeling, I speak. I say, I love you I love you I love you because I do. Because I want it to be more than just words. I'm trying to say that I'm sorry for being selfish and distant. I'm sorry for spending my hours worrying about finding the perfect home. Projecting what kind of mortage payment we can manage and how long it will be until I can get a stackable washer and dryer. I'm trying to say that I'm still the girl who fell for you over thirty gallons of mashed potatoes that you were mixing with what looked like a mini chainsaw. And right now I don't feel so full of love. I feel tired and anxious. But I don't say all these things, all I say is I love you. Sometimes those words are all I can manage. And I force my knees down until we're face to face. Just being together. In the now.
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I remember in my 3rd year of marriage when I couldn't afford to keep 1 vehicle on the road and thankfully I could walk to work and college. I parked the truck. Our first garden failed miserably because we unwittingly planted it over a leach field. We couldn't afford to buy one thing for each other for Christmas. We both made each other something and bought our first child one present. But you're right, emotions rise and recede like the tide and when a real storm threatens every sailor will tell you, you run out INTO it, AT it, for there you stay OUT of harm's way and are not dashed upon the rocks of ..., or any other physicality, and know only the wildness of Fury racing past you.
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