Day 63: Genetics

There was a part of me that thought that by this time I would be announcing a pregnancy through this blog. That 100 Day of Love would slide into 9 Months of Love.
But we were never promised fertility. And the best stories never end the way you think they will.

The lab results came back today. They say the chances are slim to nil of conception unless we start a rigorous hormone therapy. Injections and Pills and monitored blood tests and maybe it will help and maybe it won’t. But the treatment is thousands of dollars that isn’t covered by insurance and the list of effects include words like cancer and depression. I want a child- I want half a dozen children, but I can’t risk losing my husband to force this. The cost is too high.

The good news is, it’s genetic. Our infertility is nothing he did or didn’t do in his crazy twenties. The guilt and the blame can slide away. And I believe that we’re created creatures, not randomly selected components of nature and science. We’re created and that means there’s a reason for every part of us that is different. I have to hold onto that. We have to hold onto that.
We believe in miracles and we believe in fate. And I know there are babies out there, little unborn lives who will need the forever love of our crazy family.

I once heard someone say that everything will be OK in the end. If things are not OK, it means it’s not the end. And so I’m not giving up. But I’m not fighting anymore, I’m not hoping the way I was three months ago. I’m letting go- we’re letting go and we’re waiting; like we should have been all along.